Punishment
by greyslostwho
Summary: Punishing herself has always been one of her things. But now she's been punishing herself forever and it hurts to much. Set after S3. Maddison. Oneshot. Because I love them.


**PUNISHMENT **

PUNISHING HERSELF HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF HER 'THINGS'. ADDISONCENTRIC, SLIGHTLY MADDISON. SET AFTER S3.

Punishing yourself has always been one of your things. And this time the punishment has overstepped the mark. You've gone completely over the top, and though you know it, you're too proud to admit it, and therefore do anything about it. You've gone that extra mile and torn yourself away from anything worth living for. And hence you're living here. In LA.

You thought that California would be the answer to all your worries. You thought that the practice would be the perfect solution to your career. You thought that this city would be the beginning of something better, something new. You thought wrong.

You take a walk, along the beach, almost just outside your apartment. That's something you do like, the beach, and in the evenings in the week it's deserted. It's just you and the sea. And your memories.

You've been punishing yourself since you came her, tearing yourself out of a life you had just begun to fit into, and all because of one little slip that backfired. One moment of absolute weakness. One split second when you stopped caring about the consequences of your actions. One moment where you knew that you had done something that would hurt the man you loved. And like the coward that you are, you never told him.

He'd tried to tell you that he'd done the same thing, but he must have forgotten that the two of you had known each other too long. You could read a lie in his eyes. Shame that he couldn't read one in yours the time you told him you hadn't wanted his baby. Shame he hadn't looked hard enough.

That had been another time you'd been punishing yourself. You'd been an adulteress, for God's sake. But all of a sudden, despite what had happened and despite the fact that you were still married, you were happy and in love and having a baby. So it had to hurt. You had to hurt for what you had done, and you had to try your best to erase it all. So you had the abortion. It still haunts your dreams.

Since then, you've been living in a dream world, having the opposite of what you truly want. Why run back to the husband you know doesn't love you if not to cause yourself more of the pain you so badly deserve? You've even come to crave that pain this past year. It makes you feel human. Because you begin to have your doubts when you do these wrong things but feel no remorse.

Alex Karev was a joke, really. If she could have watched herself back she would probably have laughed. She was going through a tough time, and all of a sudden there he was, and you could see from his eyes it was what he wanted too. So you went ahead with it, not stopping to think about you and Mark, or the pact you had made. The pact that was on the straight road to carving the two of you out a future.

So you'd run again. And from the same man. Because when you were with him you felt happy and after all you had done you didn't deserve happiness. Not with the people you had hurt, anyway. Because you feel no guilt for so many things you've done, like sleeping with him that night Derek came home early, like calling him up barely seconds after you'd agreed on divorce. But all of a sudden, when he got that pained look in his eyes, you felt guilty. And now you deserved punishment more than ever.

So here you are, a year later, still punishing yourself for hurting him. Him. Mark Sloane, man whore, player and love of your life. You sit down and dig your toes into the sand just above the tide line. It feels so good to admit it, that you loved him, even if it's all ancient history now. Even if your punishment meant exile from happiness.

The sun is setting right in front of you, and you can't help thinking how wonderful the whole moment would be if she was with someone she loved. It's amazing, everything that's happened to you and you're still a closet romantic. Though no one would ever find that out, because you are an expert at keeping these things hidden. There's a slight breeze, and your bright red hair is trailing across your face. You doesn't move to brush it away, just dig your fingers deeper into the sand. And try as hard as you can to remember the taste of his lips, the feel of his hands in your hair, the burning sensation of your bare skin against his bare skin, the ecstasy that followed...

You sigh and stare at the horizon, and wonder where he is and if he's thinking about you. Which is ridiculous because it's been a year and he'll have had a thousand new yous by now. But it's nice to dream. About his hair, his face, his stormy, steamy eyes. God, you loved him. And he never knew.

Well, maybe he should. Slowly you pull out you phone, and dial a number. He picks up after the first ring, with a breathless:  
"Addison? Is that you"  
And hearing his voice makes your heart skip a beat, although you know medically that's impossible. And you don't say anything.  
"Addy? Is it really you"  
Again, no words will form on your lips.  
"Addison? Addison"  
"Mark..." you breathe, the only word you can force from your mouth.  
"Addy?" he whispers, "Are you ok"  
And it's now or never, really. "I loved you." you say, "I still do. And I know you'll have moved on and there'll be someone else by now, but I thought you deserved to know"  
Silence.  
"And I slept with Karev"  
Is that laughing?  
"I know you did, Addy. I saw. That's why I said what I said." You hear him take a deep breath. "There hasn't been anyone else. A few one night things, but no one special. I love you too, Addy"  
"I hate LA." you say, because if you register his words you might die of happiness. "Can I come get you?" he says, and you nod, tears streaming down you face. And then you realise he can't see you nodding.  
"Please." is all you say.  
"I'm not letting you go this time, Addison." he says, and you hear the dialling tone as he hangs up.  
"I love you." you whisper to a dead line.

For a while you wonder whether or not it was real. Whether or not you really are going mad, and whether it's an effect of the acupuncture and the therapy that they've been giving you at the practice. But when the tide reaches your toes you are shocked out of your mindless daydream and you jump up and stroll back to your flat, for the first time a smile on your face.

You get changed into a little red dress with spaghetti straps and you go to put your hair up but you remember something Mark once said about it being most beautiful down. So you leave it down, wildly wavy, given volume by the humidity and the slight sea breeze. You wonder how he knows where the hell you are but you trust him explicitly, so you just sit in front of your TV watching reruns of Will & Grace until you're bored out of your mind.

It's nearly midnight in the end, when you hear the knock on your door. You jump up and rush to open it. He's stood their, still in a scrub shirt and work trousers, and suddenly you feel stupid for dressing up. But then his arms come around you and his lips are on yours and you have no room in you to feel anything except for love.

MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA

In the early hours of the morning the two of you lay in your bed, amidst a tangle of linen and hair wild and tousled. You watch his face, quiet and gentle in sleep. You twirl a lock of his hair around your finger, finding yourself smiling wildy. Slowly his eyes flutter open and he looks into yours, grey eyes and blue.

And when he kisses you, you know it's forever, because you've used up all your chances, you've played all your games, and you're ready to settle down.

With Mark Sloane.

Who would ever have thought it?

**YEAH, IT'S SLIGHTLY LAME AND WOULDN'T HAPPEN, AND PROBABLY OOC, BUT A GIRL CAN DREAM, CAN'T SHE?**

**I LOVE MADDISON IT'S THE BEST PAIRING EVER AND I HAVE TO KEEP WRITING IT BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY WE'LL EVER GET IT (HAS A TEMPER TANTRUM SHOUTING "DAMN YOU, SHONDA!"). I ALSO LOVE READING IT, SO IF YOU'VE WRITTEN ANY MADDISON, GOOD OR BAD, FLUFFY OR ANGSTY (THOUGH HAPPY ENDINGS ARE PREFERRABLE. BUT I CAN'T TALK. I WRITE SOME VERY DEPRESSING ONES) I'D LOVE TO READ IT. PM OR REVIEW AND I'LL CHECK IT OUT. I MIGHT EVEN PUT IT IN MY C2.**

**ANYWAY, THANKS FOR READING. PLEASE REVIEW. I LOVE REVIEWS AND I NEVER GET LIKE ANY. (SOBS.  
THANK YOU MUCHLY! **

**(P.S SORRY THIS IS ALL IN CAPITAL MY COMPUTER IS SCREWED)**

XGREYSLOSTWHOX


End file.
